Funny Mark Twain Quotes
Here you may find the best collection of Funny Mark Twain Quotes.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
What a schmuck an average person is!
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.
Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
The Public is merely a multiplied ‘me.’
We are all alike, on the inside.
Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Why shouldn’t truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘r’, except at the beginning of a word.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
When in doubt tell the truth.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
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