Milton Berle Quotes | Funny Quotes

Milton Berle Quotes

Milton Berle Quotes

Here you may find the best collection of funny Milton Berle Quotes.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

You don’t need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation.

Radio . . . that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people . . . who fortunately can’t reach me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has bigger tits than his wife!

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I’m 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there’s never one around.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Mr. Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

[how to tell a joke] Delivery, not stressing the punchline, timing.

You get a lot of awards when you’re a star, and lots of them are irrelevant.

Don’t burn, just singe.

You show the emotion so you get the audience going the other way

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

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