Woody Allen Quotes
Here you may find the best collection of insightful Woody Allen Quotes.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
I am two with nature.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Marriage is the death of hope.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
If you liked these Woody Allen Quotes, share their wisdom with your friends.